it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
