Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
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