At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
