I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Can't talk, ducks in the car
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
