The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
