Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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