I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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