I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Found the puke drawer
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
