I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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