one two three fourrrrnication!
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
