One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
