I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Randomize
