dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
