my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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