Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Randomize
