Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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