The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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