I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
i drank out of a bidet.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
