So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
