Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
