your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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