I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
3 2 1 whiskey
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
My ass is underappreciated
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
