The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
