Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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