Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
