It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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