when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
