Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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