Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
the condom got lost in my hair
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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