Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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