I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
