I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
