I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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