just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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