I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Randomize
