My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
