I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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