i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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