the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
