I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
