Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
