Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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