i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
