Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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