I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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