Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
