I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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