I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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