Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
