I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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