note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
