hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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