I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
