remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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