I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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