Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
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I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
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I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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