My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
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