he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
