I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
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