I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
