I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
