Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
